By Steven Norris
How do you create space for genuine connection with those who are different from you? For the first three weeks in January, a group in our church tried to do just that as we read and discussed Howard Thurman’s book, Jesus and the Disinherited. Thurman suggests a progression from benign neglect to malignant hatred when we don’t pay close attention to the patterns of our heart.
The progression starts with contact devoid of fellowship. It is impossible to live in our world without coming into contact with those who are different. We do so in the workplace, at school, at the grocery store, waiting in line at the DMV, sitting at a sporting event, or going to the gym. We may even know someone’s name and a few superficial details about their life. Without genuine fellowship, however, it is easy to keep that person at arm’s length and miss entering into relationship with our neighbor.
When we miss out on genuine fellowship, we may develop an unsympathetic understanding of others. Such “understanding” often lacks empathy — being able to put ourselves in the shoes of another and see things through their eyes. We can observe a person’s actions, but we don’t know their heart.
Such understanding can easily lead to ill will as we begin to project motives onto others and their behavior without stopping to ask for clarification. Ill will develops when we group folks into tribes and divisions of “us” versus “them.” Too often, this includes judging “us” by our greatest aspirations while judging “them” by their greatest failures.
When ill will is embodied, it becomes hatred. Once we have convinced ourselves that “they” are not like “us,” it becomes easier to treat others with contempt, violence, and malice. The fruit of hatred is ripe as neighbor becomes enemy.
I told the folks gathered in our fellowship hall, “If you don’t want the fruit, don’t plant the seed. If you don’t want a community filled with expressions of hatefulness, take time to cultivate genuine fellowship with those who are different.”
We brainstormed together and came up with some possible responses for people of faith: (1) Be curious about those who are different. Don’t assume that you know the motivations of someone’s heart. Ask questions that might lead to deeper understanding. Before making it your goal to “beat” your enemy, make it your goal to understand them first. (2) Serve together for a common cause. It is hard to hate someone when you are working together to meet the needs of others. Volunteer at one of our schools, at the soup kitchen, the food bank, or with a community event and try to get to know others who are also serving. (3) Break bread together. Over and over, Jesus used the table to bring desperate people together. As we break bread, we may find Christ there among us, drawing our hearts and minds together as we share stories and grow in our mutual understanding.
These simple suggestions are not a guarantee of success. However, they may prevent us from planting destructive seeds and give us tools to confront destructive bias within our own hearts.